Wondering where the friendship went? Ask the SEX!

Preamble
I'm not 'Mr Know it all'. God knows! I don't know much at all, but I do strive to know. I make it my business to understand situations I see around me, or the ones I find myself in. And sometimes, my search pays off, sometimes it doesn't. But I just keep on searching. Pastoral ministry is very rewarding you know; it teaches with blunt finality and truth.

I've come across many young people who seem to be in search of their lost friendship (yes o!). Their story is usually something like... "I know this guy (girl) that I truly admire. We became best of friends. We laughed, talked, joked about anything and everything. Mehn! He/she was fun to be with. Then the attraction started (by the way, maybe you should read my reflection on sex addiction). Hmmm. Once the hugs became pecks, the pecks became kisses, the kisses graduated to fondling and romancing, and the romancing became sex, the friendship went out the window..." Sounds familiar?

Where did the friendship go?
Well, I know we have a basic idea of who a friend is. But to avoid presumptuous sentences, I decided to ask Google for a definitive meaning. This is what I found. A friend is "a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations." There! Now, did you know that the definition of *friend* typically excludes sexual activity? Well, it so does. Are you still wondering where the friendship went?

Here's the thing. When a relationship becomes sexually active, it's difficult to remain friends (except of course in marriage where a mature and well-informed decision has been made to that effect). The mind is suddenly overwhelmed by a whole range of emotions. Boundaries are gradually erased, and anything short of sex becomes painfully boring. Why waste time talking about the future when we could be kissing? Why get to know each other better when there's so much fun to be had; so much touching to do...? Ah haaah! Here's the problem. By the time we're done with all the mutual sexual brouhaha, friendship has packed its belongings and disappeared through the window.

Some reservations...
I know, I know. No theory is foolproof. This isn't an exception, but it could be. I know in some rare cases, some people claim to have sexually active relationships and still have friendship. Seriously? I'm yet to find a single person that has agreed to this rare situation. In my experience, they all say the sex drives away the friendship, no matter how 'good' the sex is (pardon my language). So I'm not easily swayed by these or similar arguments. I believe there is another word for that kind of relationship. Lovers. Yea! Again, I went to ask our friend Google. Here's what he said. A lover is "a partner in a sexual or romantic relationship outside marriage." See? Your friend isn't your lover. And your spouse isn't your lover either. So except what you wanted from the beginning was a sexual relationship, you'd hardly see a sexual partner as a friend. What about boyfriend or girlfriend? Yea yea. I knew you'd ask that. So for the last time, I went off to Google again, and he said, a girlfriend is "a person's regular female companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship" (except of course in the case of a lady having a girlfriend, which usually would simply mean her female friend).

Phew! Pardon me. I try to keep my writings short and simple, but I don't know what happens after I begin. The ideas just won't stop. Anyways. I'm not saying that lovers can't 'appear' to be friends. They may even believe they're friends. But they're not. Relationships are categorised into friends, lovers, and married couples. Simple! No other category exists. Hence, if this is your first sexual partner, and he/she is so cool, loving and understanding, and you feel he/she is your best friend, it's only a matter of time. The hormones will soon find something or someone more interesting and challenging. Oh, perhaps it's your sixth sexual relationship, and you're still hoping to find the right sexual partner. Are you kidding? There's no such thing. It's possible you've gotten addicted to sex... And you just need a reason to continue the activity.

Here's the thing. Sex is not a joke. It's like crude oil. When refined and used properly, it can power cars, cook stuff, provide electricity or propel turbines for pipe borne water... However, it can also engender the most devastating disasters. Look around you; broken hearts, teenage pregnancies, repeated abortions, homicides... all because sex was attempted improperly.

Final comments...
If you truly care about friendship and lasting relationships, here's what to do. Stop the sex. Talk about it, and ask him/her to help make sure you don't fall again into sexual activity, no matter how difficult it is. Block him/her on WhatsApp, BBM or Instagram if the first option doesn't work. Go to bed early and rise early. Refuse to go to his/her house, and don't ever stay the night. Don't get me wrong. Continue seeing him/her, but make sure every potential sexual activity situation is decisively discouraged until marriage. When that chemical attraction goes down considerably, perhaps you'll once again find your peace and laughter. Perhaps you'd once again enjoy the stories and the jokes, the dreams and the aspirations.

In the end, pray. After all, we can't do anything without God's grace. Finally, please don't let anger or false self-righteousness prevent you from taking these words seriously. I'm not perfect, but I am a minister of He who is.

God bless you and have a lovely day ahead!